*pictured is controversial talent Marcel Goncalves who fled US after criminal charges
David Figueroa-Martinez, a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt and mental health advocate, recently joined the Fighting Matters podcast to discuss a critical issue facing the martial arts community: how toxic masculinity and poor emotional intelligence are harming men and the broader BJJ culture.
“When I came up as a kid, having attention created bad things for you normally. So it was shut everything down, address it later, don’t get emotional, don’t cry, don’t do all this other stuff.”
The conversation revealed a common pattern among the podcast participants—all experienced martial artists who grew up in the 1980s and 90s when boys were actively discouraged from showing vulnerability. As host Steve Kwan from BJJ Mental Models noted,
“I grew up in a time where really boys and men were not encouraged to discuss or talk about emotions at all.”
Figueroa-Martinez identified a troubling trend he sees repeatedly in men:
“The two emotions that I normally saw were annoyance or anger. And often times with men, those are the two that I often see.”
He explained how this emotional limitation creates problems both on and off the mats.
“You lost a competition, you got pissed because you made a mistake. Instead of addressing what the actual issue is, which is like maybe you were embarrassed and you don’t accept or acknowledge that you were embarrassed, you’re resulting everything to ‘I’m pissed and I’m angry.'”
This echoes Bill Burr‘s observation about men being allowed only two emotional states: “I’m fine, I don’t want to talk about it” and “I’m f***ing mad.”
The panelists shared personal stories of how toxic masculinity shaped their early lives. Jesse Walker from Rough Hands BJJ recalled receiving explicit messages to suppress emotions:
“I would say that I did probably get more explicit cues about not being emotional… having men in my life, maybe even women… say things like, ‘Dry it up.'”
Mike Mahaffey from Old Bastard BJJ, a social worker with 25 years of experience, described how this conditioning led him to become
“a pretty violent sh**ty kid” because he “was never really given any of those tools to process that stuff.”
Figueroa-Martinez expressed concern about current cultural influences, particularly how figures like Donald Trump exemplify problematic masculine ideals.
“I think Trump for example and men like him… they are showing examples of aggression. They put people down. They don’t care about people’s emotions. They don’t share a whole lot of empathy,”
He worries that young men see these examples of success and think,
“that person’s successful, they have the car that I want, the woman that I’d like to date… I have to emulate that type of thing. But it’s not healthy. It’s not beneficial for you.”
The group discussed how this performative masculinity creates a dangerous cycle where emotional suppression makes men easier to manipulate through anger and fear—what Figueroa-Martinez called the key to understanding current political dynamics.
As experienced instructors, the panelists emphasized that jiu-jitsu coaches have a unique opportunity to model healthy masculinity.
“Just be the image of what is best,”
Figueroa-Martinez advised.
“Be genuine, express your shortcomings, express the things that you’re struggling with so it doesn’t become or doesn’t look like, ‘oh, he has it all together.'”
The conversation highlighted how the best coaches aren’t necessarily the most technically skilled, but those who can
“uplift people” and help students “leave the place feeling a bit more confident and a bit better about who they are.”
Despite the challenges, Figueroa-Martinez sees hope in increased openness about mental health. He noted positive changes in his own relationships:
“I have training partners who I genuinely just say, ‘Hey, I love you.’ Like that was that did not exist at some point in my life.”
The solution, according to the panel, lies in developing emotional intelligence and creating spaces where men can express the full range of human emotions. As Figueroa-Martinez put it:
“We need to continue to spend more time addressing ourselves and creating that mental or that emotional intelligence so that we can be better stewards of the mats, society, our friendships.”
The conversation serves as both a warning and a call to action for the martial arts community: by perpetuating toxic masculine ideals,
“we’re creating a lot of issues that we don’t need to create.”
The alternative—vulnerable, emotionally intelligent leadership—offers a path toward healthier individuals and stronger communities.
